Harry Kane joins Arsenal as a professional window-licker

The summer market is not open for business yet but Arsenal have moved with uncharacteristic swiftness to secure their first signing already: Harry Kane has joined from across the North London.

Upon signing the deal with Arsenal, he said: "I'm delighted to finally join the biggest club in London, my childhood team, by the way. Don't think Spurs are winning anything soon anyway, with their stingy chairman Levy and absolute knob of a manager Mourinho."

Well, obviously it's not quite what he said because you know the way he can't string two words together if his life depended on it.

Unfortunately for him, as its quarantine time and we still have Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang as an actual top forward on our books, Kane was signed as a professional window-licker. It's what he does best, the demo-version of Wolverine.

We say "unfortunately" because he'll have to wear a medical mask for obvious reasons and won't be able to carry out his window-licking duties effectively for the foreseeable future. But we hope the situation changes for the better once coronavirus goes away.

We are not paying him that much anyway, it was more of a rescue operation from that shithole of place.